Field Notes #1

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Turns out I'm not very good at blogging.

But hey, it's the middle of finals season right now, so what better time to jump back on the blogging wagon? No, I'm serious. Yeah, yeah, ok, I may be slightly, just a bit, procrastinating right now, but if I am going to avoid studying, surely blogging is a better use of my time than, say, watching every single "Vlogmas" video on Youtube (search it up if you don't know what that is, they're addictive!).

Let's just start off by saying I had the weirdest semester. For as long as I can remember, my whole life has been sectioned off into semesters: through kindergarten, elementary school, high school, and now uni. And while every semester is marked by something (the beginning or end of a friendship, the start of a new passion, etc.), I've never had one quite like this.

It's the first time I don't have anything to mark a section of my life by. I've just been stuck in one place.

I'm in my third year of my degree here at university, and it's only now hit me that I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. Everyone warns you that university is a time of loss and discovery, you have to lose yourself to find yourself, blah blah blah. However, I knew early on what I wanted to do. I was going to study Political Science with some kind of minor (World Religions, it turns out), get amazing internships at law firms during the summer, graduate at the top of my class, go to law school, and then become Prime Minister.

I may have to reconsider my plans.

My lofty goals have been derailed. It seems that the path to Parliament may be a bit more difficult and bit more crowded -- is the whole Poli Sci student pool just law student/Olivia Pope wannabes? In any case, I know for a fact that a life in politics is not for me. Perhaps I can be a political writer or a journalist, but I could never run for office. Despite loving my courses, I am not sure what I can do with my degree.

Then there's this other thing that has been nagging me. I love writing. Words are how I get my feelings across, how I express my opinions. It's been like that ever since I was young. I would always be writing, whether that be rants in my diary or fictional stories on my pink Dell laptop. As I have grown older, I have had less time to write. Or perhaps I have just grown more self-conscious of my writing and if I simply don't write, I won't have to feel inadequate.

Perhaps that's why I haven't posted on here for so long as well. If I can't do something perfectly, I'd rather just not do it all all. I don't want to put something out there that I am not completely proud of.

This semester was spent worrying about my future, about whether or not I have anything valuable to contribute to the world. But worrying is useless and unproductive. I didn't have anything valuable to contribute this semester simply because I wasn't doing anything.

While I still have no idea what I will be doing after I graduate, I think I have come to terms with that now. I don't need to know what my ten year plan, or even five year plan, will be. I just need to get moving again. I don't want to spend my life worrying away, thinking about things I might be good at, but am just too scared to try and fail.

And that brings me to my next point: I want to start focusing on what I love - writing - and my blog is a good place to start. I've said this before, but it has always been hard for me to be vulnerable. Sometimes my content and writing will not be the best, and I hope whoever reads this can forgive me for that; I've forgiven myself for it.

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